Pronouns are one way that people express and communicate about gender. Using the right pronouns for a person is a basic sign of respect.
“Using pronouns” isn’t new – pronouns are a core part of every language. When people talk about “pronouns” in terms of rainbow inclusion, they mean the pronouns and possessive determiners that we use when we’re talking about another person (that is, “third person singular” pronouns like he/him/his, she/her/hers, and they/them/theirs).
In English, the pronouns we use for a person usually imply something about their gender. Most people have a sense of which pronouns are the right ones to describe them. Often these are the same ones that other people have always used when talking about them. For a lot of people, the pronouns that describe them correctly are different to the ones people tend to assume they should use. This kind of mismatch is more likely for people who are trans, non-binary, intersex, or express their gender in ways that don’t match social stereotypes. It can also happen when someone has a name that is gender-neutral, or comes from a non-dominant culture – people might guess the wrong pronouns based on their assumptions about the person’s gender.
A lot of languages don’t use pronouns that imply someone’s gender. In te reo Māori, the same pronouns are used to talk about anyone (e.g. ia, tōna, tāna), and the same is true for Pacific languages.
Using people’s pronouns
The right pronouns to use for a person are the ones that person is most comfortable with. Using the right pronouns for a person is a basic sign of respect.
A good guiding principle is to reflect the language that a person uses about themselves, and respect the words they ask you to use. Sometimes people will share their pronouns in an email signature or social media profile, or you’ll hear how they talk about themselves in the third person. If you’re not sure, asking someone what pronoun you should use when talking about them is the simplest way to get this right.
Sometimes people might not really have a particular pronoun that feels best, or they might be more comfortable with you just using their name, or they might use more than one pronoun set, or different pronouns in different contexts (like at work compared with at home). It’s not possible to guess the best way of using pronouns, and what will feel best and safest for a person. Instead, try to reflect the language that a person uses about themselves, use the words they ask you to use, and ask respectful questions if you’re not sure.
If someone’s pronouns are different to the ones you assumed for them, or have changed from what they’ve used in the past, you might need to adjust how you think about them so that you refer to them correctly. This mental adjustment can take a bit of time and practice. If you make a mistake, apologise, move on, and put in the effort to get it right next time.
Another skill you can practice is using gender-neutral language about a person when you’re not sure of their pronouns or how they’d like you to talk about them. Gender-neutral ways of referring to a person can include using they/them pronouns, using their name, or using phrases like “this person” or “that client”.
Sharing your own pronouns
To help people refer to you correctly, and to create an environment where it’s safer and more comfortable for others to share their pronouns, it can be helpful to share your own pronouns. Some common places where people share their pronouns include:
email signatures
display names on Zoom
on name tags, or by wearing pronoun badges
on social media profiles
If you’re displaying your own pronouns, make sure you’ve done the work to understand how to use other people’s pronouns correctly. When you actively share your pronouns, it’s fair for others to assume that you understand the importance of pronouns, and will respect theirs.
Encouraging people to share their pronouns
Getting better about using people’s pronouns correctly is part of creating an inclusive, safe environment. If you’re part of an organisation or group, you might want to find ways to normalise and encourage everyone to use and share pronouns.
A guiding principle here is to centre the needs of transgender people, and people whose pronouns are different to the ones people typically assume for them. This means doing your best to think about safety, inclusion and support.
Don’t force people to share their pronouns
For people whose pronouns do match the ones people assume for them, it might feel uncomfortable or strange to share pronouns at first, but it typically doesn’t involve real risk or emotional burden. On the other hand if people’s pronouns don’t match the ones people assume for them, asking them to share their pronouns can force them into having to explain their identity or educate people. If they’re in an environment that isn’t safe, requiring people to share their pronouns can expose them to harassment or discrimination, or lead them to misgender themself by using pronouns they are not really comfortable with rather than disclosing details of their identity.
Centring the needs of transgender people means not requiring everyone to share their pronouns, but instead focusing on creating an environment where it is possible and safe to share, and where people can feel confident that their pronouns will be respected.
Create an environment where pronouns are respected
Some ways of respecting pronouns include:
When you’re designing templates for things like email signatures or nametags, make space on them for people to share their pronouns if they want to.
When you’re running a conference or event, check pronouns with speakers beforehand and make sure you introduce them correctly.
If you work with service users, consider asking about pronouns on intake or registration forms – then make sure that everyone who interacts with them has this information and knows how to use their pronouns.
If this is new for your team or organisation, consider sharing some resources about pronouns, having team conversations or doing training, to make sure people understand what pronouns are about.
Some notes about different pronouns
It’s common for people to use they/them pronouns – this is grammatically correct. If you haven’t used they/them pronouns for an individual person before, this might feel unfamiliar at first. Chances are, you already know how to use pronouns this way (think about how you’d talk about an unknown person who left their keys behind at a café – they’ll probably be back soon, they won’t get far without being able to start their car). It is just as easy to use this language structure for someone you know, once you make a bit of effort to practice.
In te reo Māori, the pronoun for everyone is ia. When people share that their pronouns include ia, this is usually a sign of respect to te reo Māori as the indigenous language of Aotearoa, and can be a way of indicating that a person speaks, or is learning, te reo Māori. Using ia can serve as a reminder that languages and cultures can express gender, or make space for diversity, in different ways. Usually people are not expecting you to try incorporating ‘ia’ into spoken English – if they do want you to try this, listen to the ways they do this, and ask questions if you need to.
Some people use neopronouns – pronoun sets that have been created more recently, like ze/hir or ey/em. Like learning any new words, it can take a bit of practice to get these right if they’re not familiar to you.
Sometimes people use more than one set of pronouns – they might share that they use he/they pronouns for example, or they might use different pronouns with their friends than they do with their family. It’s not possible to guess the best way of using pronouns for people in different contexts, and what feels best and safe to them. Instead, try to reflect the language that a person uses about themselves, use the words they ask you to use, and ask respectful questions if you’re not sure.
More resources
Why are there pronouns in your email signature? - our webinar about how language can support respectful environments
Tūturu episode 3 - perspectives on what gender pronouns mean for Māori, from Tina Ngata, Quack Pirihi, Tangaroa Paul, Marama Davidson, Elizabeth Kerekere, Tu Chapman and Hēmi Kelly.
Video introduction to pronouns from InsideOUT
Pronoun use in email signatures - guidance for New Zealand government departments from the Public Service Commission
Pronouns.org - guide to personal pronouns (from a US-English perspective)
Our webinar From Awareness to Action - guidance for trans advocates and allies working on making organisations more trans inclusive